Please Stop Talking!

Imagine asking the simplest of questions and getting the longest, convoluted of replies!
It happens to me, ALWAYS! Tragically, I end up being at the receiving end… of muddled monologues. A verbal maze, in which I get lost with none to my rescue. Until I decide to break free from my shackles with abrupt, lame excuses.

Phew! Quite an escape, I reminisce.

Families and friends… none spare me. LOL :)
But then what’s life without these moments of exasperating humor?!
Exasperating to me, humor to you ( hopefully). :)

Read on…


DISCLAIMER

Any resemblance to any person living is purely INTENTIONAL. :)
Despite nightmarish memories, I did not harm any animal or human being during the creation of this article.

Priya’s Guidance: Refrain from continuing with this write-up, if you are on the verge of insanity already.
Warning: Keep out of children’s reach, lest they manifest symptoms of LSS: Long-Speech-Syndrome!


Me (over Skype): Amma, inaiki enna samayal anga?
Ma: Oh, adhuvaaa….naan nethiki car driver freea irundha dhanala kadaiku poi irundhen. Apo, beans, keerai vanginen.
Me: Oh, keerai kootu and beans currya?
Ma: (Annoyed) Konjam solradha kekiria?!!! (I shut up.) Kadaila, naan actress Shaktipriyava pathen! Adhan di Kolangal seriala nadichalae. She waits till I nod. Naan poi pesinen, “neenga Kolangal seriala nalla nadichirdhinga.” Ava romba sandhosha patta. En saree nalla irukunu kooda sonna. In a reflective mood: Indha actress ellam onum avalo azhagu illa. Ellam make-up pota dhan therum. Namma kuda nadikalam, theriyumo. (OMG!!! Was she serious here??!!) Aparom pesitu, counterla billa katitu oru vazhiya veetuku vandhu sendhen.
Vangitu vandhadha ellam fridgela vechaen (Oh, really? I thought they went into the washing machine!) ONE BIG PAUSE here to take a heavy breadth. Hummmmmm. Keeraiya aanji vechitu, beansa cut paninen. Aparom, unga appa vandhu patharu…inaiki idhaan samayalanu ketaru. Naan vera ena venumnu keten. Avar udane, “enaku inaiki tiffin sapadnum pola iruku.” Serinu andha keeeerayaaa eduthu vechitu (dragging), verum dosai pani kuduthen. Ipo dhaan saptu mudichom. Hummmmm. Seri, thotuka enna paninenu kelu. Vengaya chut…
Me: Ayyoo, ala udu… BYE!!!!!!
And I log off!!!!

Duration of the conversation: 10 minutes! Whereas 2 seconds is all it takes to tell what’s for dinner!



Me: Hi R, naan enaiki unga veetuku 5 maniku mela varlama?
R: Actually Priya, nanga rendu nalaiki munnadi oru printer vanginom. Nalla deal offer vandhudhu.
Me: Puzzled, I interrupt…Illa naan enna ketena…
R: Illai kellu nee…andha printera connect panni test panalamnu ninaichom. Aparom V adha set paninaru. Anal paren, first print out kuda seria varala. Edho print error kamchindae irundadhu! Seri konjam neram kazhichi try panuvomnu vitutom. Aparom K kuttyku dinner utitu, naanum avarum saptu mudichom. Time 10 ayduthu adhu kula. Serinu thoonga poitum. Aparom, adhutha naal, avar officeku poitaru. So, thirumba check panna mudiala!
Me: I turn on the loudspeaker and lie down on my bed. She continues unabated!
R: Priya, irukia?
Me: Iruken, iruken…enga odi po poren!!! (In my mind: Illa pogadhan mudiyuma?!)
R: Seri, aparom weekend vandhudhu. Saturday morning tiffin saptutu printera check paninom.
Thirumbavum error kamchidu. Adhukula lunch time vandhudhu. Oru 2 hrs aparom, grocery panitu
vandhu, seriousa ukandhum andha printer kuda. Vellaya seila. Pause….expecting me to say a few sympathetic words.
Me: Ayyo, romba kashtam pa…(was actually referring to my plight!!!)
R: Yeah Priya. Adha apadia thuki thania vachitom. Monday nan andha shopku call panni problem
explain paninen. Two days kula technician varvaru nu sonanga. Pause again…
Me: Vandhara technician?
R: Inaiki dhan avar vararu. So, sorry pa. Inaiki namma meet panna mudiyadhu.
Me: Oh ok. (Faking a disappointment) Seri, no problem, naan inoru nalaiki varen
R: Thanks pa…for understanding.
Me: My pleasure! (Pain would have been a better word!!!) Bye. Aparom panren.

Thereafter, I stopped asking her “Shall I come over today?” I just gate-crash.


Now comes the Masterstroke!

Me: Hello patti, epadi irukinga?
Grandma: Vadi en thangam. Nee epadi ma iruke?
Me: Fine patti. Unga udambu epadi iru…?
Grandma: Hummmmmmmmm. (Just like my mom! Yes, it’s genetic!) Edho iruken (in a resigned tone).
Me: Hoping that she will continue, I get a little closer to her. BIG MISTAKE!
G: Adjusting her specs, she eyes something. Mudiya cut panitia thirumbavum??!!!
Me: Am mute. Curse myself for getting in her ‘view’ point.
G: Kekaranla, vaila enna kozhukatia? Sollu…
Me: Meekly…amam patti. AM DONE NOW. History repeats…
G: Andha kalathula nanga ellam evalo mudi valathom theriyuma?! Not waiting for a reply, indha kalathu ponungalaku romba kozhupu dhan. Bab cutting (that’s how she said it!) paninundu thaya thaka thaya thakanu gudhika vendiyadhu.
She pulls my hair and continues… paaru..sembata parakudhu. Azhaga thala neeraya ennai thadavi, malli poo vechindu pona ena kedu unaku??!!! Nanga padicha kalathula, etenaku indha packet ennai thadavi, azhaga kunjalam vechi katti, kanagambaram poo slide pinala kuthindu povom. Ipo enadana, beooty parlor (please don’t even ask!) poi kasa kuduthu mudia keduthuka vendiyadhu. NONSTOP she can go!
Me: Mustering up courage…Illa patti…schoola…
G: School enna school…nan vandhu pesaren unga headmistress kita.
Me: Ayyoo venam patti….I palpitate.
G: Apo…ozhunga mudi valakara vazhiya paru. Katrichi utunda…adi vanguva. Aprom Schoola ozhunga padikira vazhiya paru. Andha kalathula… she beings a fresh chapter!
Me: Ayyoo…enaku avasarama bathroom ponom!!!!!!!!

I rest my case.

Between You And Me

It is a fine Monday morning at the Government Arts College, Chennai. Sprightly laughter and cheerful repartees fill the air as young girls and guys flock to get initiated into the life of a fresher on their first day at college. And so did Anu! She was bubbling with enthusiasm. The secret of her happiness lies in the fact that this college life will throw open to her the pleasures of wonderful friendship with special people.

For someone who had been orphaned at birth and confined to the harshness of a boarding school, true love and kindness were the ultimate gratifications that life could offer. And her prayers were answered soon. For Anu’s very first acquaintance with Ramya, her classmate, marked the beginning of a touching story of friendship.

Time flew by. Anu grew fonder of Ramya. Ramya was the most important person to her in the entire world. In fact, someone she could not do without. Such was the love and friendship she felt for Ramya. And she thanked all the Gods for this – not once or twice but every other morning.

It is 7.30 a.m. - time for breakfast at the Women’s Hostel where Anu lodges. But she has not come down to take it. But then where was she right now?

The temple gong goes – a big bong. A special abishekam is on and Anu is in prayer. Moments later she collects the prasaad and makes her way out….towards the road that takes her to college. A few minutes walk and she is already at the classroom entrance. Once inside, her eyes, in search of someone’s soothing presence, are constantly glued to the entrance. Nothing, not even the droning chit-chats and the juicy gossips that are doing the rounds in the classroom seem to divert her attention from those doors. It is now 7.45 a.m.…with every tick of the clock she is getting more desperate. Well you guessed it….she was waiting for Ramya. But then did she turn up? Yes indeed!

“Ramya”, screamed Anu. The next one minute was the longest silence of Ramya’s life for the entire class was now gazing at her. But shattering this uneasy silence was the college bell that rang thrice. While her classmates resumed their talk-session, Ramya inched her way to her seat, with a sheepish smile and a little embarrassment. The next thing she knew was Anu’s tender smiles accompanied by a plate of prasaad.

Later that evening the two friends were busy shopping as Ramya’s birthday was fast approaching. Once the spending spree was over it was time to unload all the goodies. And so off they went to Ramya’s house, but only to find it locked. “Oh no, I forgot”, whined Ramya. Her parents and elder brother were attending a party that night. Fortunately Ramya had a spare key.

“Now what about dinner?” she pondered. “I shall make it for you”, replied Anu promptly. And so the duo set out to explore the kitchen. But their enthusiasm fizzled out soon as they figured out that there was no oil to cook with. Ramya picked up her bike keys and was off to get the oil while Anu stayed backed to have the vegetables cut.

As Anu was half way through her task, the door bell rang. She opened the door and was surprised to find a young man standing there. He smelled of liquor. The next thing she knew - he had pushed his way into the house, and all the while pounding her with questions. “Who are you? What are you doing in my house?” in his high pitched and menacing voice. Unable to manage his overbearing presence Anu immediately retraced her steps. Once inside, he bombarded her again with questions. But this time Anu was not ready to give up. It was now her turn to retort. And so she did which completely caught him off guard. Quickly collecting his nerves he began yelling, “Ramya…hey Ramya…are you there? Is this another of your rude friends?” Only then did it occur to her that this could be Vinod, Ramya’s elder brother who was supposed to be at the party. She immediately apologized to him and the confusion was resolved.

Moments later, Anu got back to her vegetable cutting while Vinod seated himself on the sofa. He took the seat diagonally opposite to the dining table from where he could have a good view of her. Anu had the gnawing feeling that he deliberately seated himself there. It was moments of absolute discomfort for her. As these thoughts raced through her mind, she realized that a pair of cunning eyes was ogling her. She wriggled, twitched and even adjusted her clothes.

In a flash there he was….standing right next to her. Anu could not believe what happened within the next few seconds. He was reaching for her arms and attempting to molest her. Fury surged within her as she desperately tried to get hold of something to knock him out. As she struggled to save her integrity, her hands fell on the knife lying on the table. She grabbed it with her left hand and threatened to tear him apart. Immediately he backed off.

Just then the gate opened with its usual screeches. Realizing it could be his sister and under fear of being caught, he began to apologize to Anu. He even fell at her feet and begged not to reveal anything to Ramya. But then Anu was not reacting. Shocked by such a demeaning behavior she stood there numb and speechless.
The doorbell rang. Vinod rushed to open it.

“Oh, so you’ve come back. Good. Need some help with cooking”, said Ramya in a totally unsuspecting manner. Just as she followed Vinod into the hall, she noticed Anu glaring at her brother. Something was amiss she realized. She then shook Anu out of her shellshock with her “hey Anu….what happened?”

After a very short, uneasy silence…….muttered Anu, “no….nothing”.
She chose to remain silent for she knew how much Ramya loved her brother and the truth would shatter her. Not wanting to probe any further Ramya dropped the topic at that. Few minutes later, Anu left the house (much to Ramya’s bewilderment). But not before she meekly bid goodnight to her dear friend for whom she was ready to sacrifice anything.

It was sometime before normalcy returned to that house. Vinod was now trying to escape his guilt by constantly meddling with the TV remote. Ramya cleared her throat and spoke firmly, “Next time Anu is around you please stay locked in your room.” Vinod sweat out like he had never done in his life. Mustering up courage, he slowly asked, “But why?”

“I didn’t like the way she looked at you tonight. She was literally scanning you from top to bottom. Does not seem right”, she said.