Please Stop Talking!

Imagine asking the simplest of questions and getting the longest, convoluted of replies!
It happens to me, ALWAYS! Tragically, I end up being at the receiving end… of muddled monologues. A verbal maze, in which I get lost with none to my rescue. Until I decide to break free from my shackles with abrupt, lame excuses.

Phew! Quite an escape, I reminisce.

Families and friends… none spare me. LOL :)
But then what’s life without these moments of exasperating humor?!
Exasperating to me, humor to you ( hopefully). :)

Read on…


DISCLAIMER

Any resemblance to any person living is purely INTENTIONAL. :)
Despite nightmarish memories, I did not harm any animal or human being during the creation of this article.

Priya’s Guidance: Refrain from continuing with this write-up, if you are on the verge of insanity already.
Warning: Keep out of children’s reach, lest they manifest symptoms of LSS: Long-Speech-Syndrome!


Me (over Skype): Amma, inaiki enna samayal anga?
Ma: Oh, adhuvaaa….naan nethiki car driver freea irundha dhanala kadaiku poi irundhen. Apo, beans, keerai vanginen.
Me: Oh, keerai kootu and beans currya?
Ma: (Annoyed) Konjam solradha kekiria?!!! (I shut up.) Kadaila, naan actress Shaktipriyava pathen! Adhan di Kolangal seriala nadichalae. She waits till I nod. Naan poi pesinen, “neenga Kolangal seriala nalla nadichirdhinga.” Ava romba sandhosha patta. En saree nalla irukunu kooda sonna. In a reflective mood: Indha actress ellam onum avalo azhagu illa. Ellam make-up pota dhan therum. Namma kuda nadikalam, theriyumo. (OMG!!! Was she serious here??!!) Aparom pesitu, counterla billa katitu oru vazhiya veetuku vandhu sendhen.
Vangitu vandhadha ellam fridgela vechaen (Oh, really? I thought they went into the washing machine!) ONE BIG PAUSE here to take a heavy breadth. Hummmmmm. Keeraiya aanji vechitu, beansa cut paninen. Aparom, unga appa vandhu patharu…inaiki idhaan samayalanu ketaru. Naan vera ena venumnu keten. Avar udane, “enaku inaiki tiffin sapadnum pola iruku.” Serinu andha keeeerayaaa eduthu vechitu (dragging), verum dosai pani kuduthen. Ipo dhaan saptu mudichom. Hummmmm. Seri, thotuka enna paninenu kelu. Vengaya chut…
Me: Ayyoo, ala udu… BYE!!!!!!
And I log off!!!!

Duration of the conversation: 10 minutes! Whereas 2 seconds is all it takes to tell what’s for dinner!



Me: Hi R, naan enaiki unga veetuku 5 maniku mela varlama?
R: Actually Priya, nanga rendu nalaiki munnadi oru printer vanginom. Nalla deal offer vandhudhu.
Me: Puzzled, I interrupt…Illa naan enna ketena…
R: Illai kellu nee…andha printera connect panni test panalamnu ninaichom. Aparom V adha set paninaru. Anal paren, first print out kuda seria varala. Edho print error kamchindae irundadhu! Seri konjam neram kazhichi try panuvomnu vitutom. Aparom K kuttyku dinner utitu, naanum avarum saptu mudichom. Time 10 ayduthu adhu kula. Serinu thoonga poitum. Aparom, adhutha naal, avar officeku poitaru. So, thirumba check panna mudiala!
Me: I turn on the loudspeaker and lie down on my bed. She continues unabated!
R: Priya, irukia?
Me: Iruken, iruken…enga odi po poren!!! (In my mind: Illa pogadhan mudiyuma?!)
R: Seri, aparom weekend vandhudhu. Saturday morning tiffin saptutu printera check paninom.
Thirumbavum error kamchidu. Adhukula lunch time vandhudhu. Oru 2 hrs aparom, grocery panitu
vandhu, seriousa ukandhum andha printer kuda. Vellaya seila. Pause….expecting me to say a few sympathetic words.
Me: Ayyo, romba kashtam pa…(was actually referring to my plight!!!)
R: Yeah Priya. Adha apadia thuki thania vachitom. Monday nan andha shopku call panni problem
explain paninen. Two days kula technician varvaru nu sonanga. Pause again…
Me: Vandhara technician?
R: Inaiki dhan avar vararu. So, sorry pa. Inaiki namma meet panna mudiyadhu.
Me: Oh ok. (Faking a disappointment) Seri, no problem, naan inoru nalaiki varen
R: Thanks pa…for understanding.
Me: My pleasure! (Pain would have been a better word!!!) Bye. Aparom panren.

Thereafter, I stopped asking her “Shall I come over today?” I just gate-crash.


Now comes the Masterstroke!

Me: Hello patti, epadi irukinga?
Grandma: Vadi en thangam. Nee epadi ma iruke?
Me: Fine patti. Unga udambu epadi iru…?
Grandma: Hummmmmmmmm. (Just like my mom! Yes, it’s genetic!) Edho iruken (in a resigned tone).
Me: Hoping that she will continue, I get a little closer to her. BIG MISTAKE!
G: Adjusting her specs, she eyes something. Mudiya cut panitia thirumbavum??!!!
Me: Am mute. Curse myself for getting in her ‘view’ point.
G: Kekaranla, vaila enna kozhukatia? Sollu…
Me: Meekly…amam patti. AM DONE NOW. History repeats…
G: Andha kalathula nanga ellam evalo mudi valathom theriyuma?! Not waiting for a reply, indha kalathu ponungalaku romba kozhupu dhan. Bab cutting (that’s how she said it!) paninundu thaya thaka thaya thakanu gudhika vendiyadhu.
She pulls my hair and continues… paaru..sembata parakudhu. Azhaga thala neeraya ennai thadavi, malli poo vechindu pona ena kedu unaku??!!! Nanga padicha kalathula, etenaku indha packet ennai thadavi, azhaga kunjalam vechi katti, kanagambaram poo slide pinala kuthindu povom. Ipo enadana, beooty parlor (please don’t even ask!) poi kasa kuduthu mudia keduthuka vendiyadhu. NONSTOP she can go!
Me: Mustering up courage…Illa patti…schoola…
G: School enna school…nan vandhu pesaren unga headmistress kita.
Me: Ayyoo venam patti….I palpitate.
G: Apo…ozhunga mudi valakara vazhiya paru. Katrichi utunda…adi vanguva. Aprom Schoola ozhunga padikira vazhiya paru. Andha kalathula… she beings a fresh chapter!
Me: Ayyoo…enaku avasarama bathroom ponom!!!!!!!!

I rest my case.